


How can I love others when I can`t even love myself

by FallenAngelForever



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Han Jisung | Han is a Sweetheart, Han Jisung | Han-centric, He not a complete asshole but dont worry he gets better, Hurt/Comfort, Hwang Hyunjin Being an Asshole, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Parents Bang Chan & Kim Woojin, Protective Minho, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, jisung deserves the world
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:55:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22412104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallenAngelForever/pseuds/FallenAngelForever
Summary: Han Jisung's world is crashing down around him. For years he has successfully kept his secret, but that all ends when Chan brings a beautiful dancer to the studio. Struggling with being an idol and keeping one of his biggest secrets, Jisung is barely holding on. Will he be able to keep everything together without the others finding out?
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 1
Kudos: 63





	How can I love others when I can`t even love myself

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys,  
> So it`s been a while but I have lost motivation for my other fics so I will be focusing on a couple of new ones I will be posting. I have not given up on my old ones and will update them sometime before the end of March.
> 
> A massive thank you to my Beta, wouldn't have been able to do this without her.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this fic.

Jisung remembers the first time he felt butterflies in his stomach, he was only eight and watching a popular drama with his mum. The male lead had the female lead cornered and was saying mushy pickup lines that made Jisung cringe and blush at the same time. He had to wrap an arm around his stomach to push down the feeling.

The next day at school Jisung and his friends were gushing about how cool the male lead was, and how they want to be like him when they are older. They started reenacting some of the scenes, play fighting and yelling any lines they remembered until it got to that scene, Jisung could already feel the butterflies in his stomach as he remembered the scene with the handsome male lead.

Jisung looked around expectantly at his friends but they were already discussing another scene where the hero kills the gang members for attacking his friend.  
“You can’t just skip a scene,” Jisung complains,  
“Jisung what do you mean?” One of the boys asked.  
“You know the scene with the man and women and they …” Jisung trails off, looking at the ground and hoping his face wasn’t as red as it felt.  
“We can’t do that scene Jisung-ah, we haven’t got any girls… boys can’t do that scene with each other, idiot,” his friends laughed before resuming their original discussion.  
“Oh yeah, of course. Two boys can’t do that,” Jisung muttered quietly.

Seven years later he became a trainee under JYP and met Bang Chan who introduced him Seo Changbin and the three of them became 3racha.  
It was good, they spent long days attending lessons, and longer nights writing songs and producing music.  
While it was hard and stressful, it was also the most carefree Jisung had felt in years. All he cared about was making music and spending time with his friends in the cramped, dimly lit studio.

Chan, while only a few years older than him, quickly became a father figure to him and Changbin, the rapper who pretended to be all dark and gloomy, loved nothing more than babying Jisung and helping him wherever he could.  
Jisung thought of the boys liked family and there was no way he could catch any unwanted feelings for either of them. No, he has pushed down those thoughts a long time ago and he would keep it that way for the rest of his life.  
All he wanted was to stay in that little studio and make music with his brothers for the rest of his life, but things rarely ever go Jisung’s way.

One day Chan mentioned bringing a friend to the studio, a new trainee.  
The boy was older than all of them and called Kim Woojin, when Jisung heard him sing for the first time, he felt breathless. He saw what Chan saw in the boy, not only a talented singer but a sweet and caring friend, and before Jisung knew it he had another hyung.

Jisung was content with his three hyungs. Woojin would come by often to visit the boys in the studio, giving them snacks and treating them to meals. He was always telling them to take care of themselves and scolding Chan for his lack of sleep.

But Jisung forgot Chan`s habit for collecting strays and wasn’t long before Chan brought him his first same-aged friend. Seungmin, another talented singer, was sweet and savage. He quickly bonded with the four of them and enjoyed tormenting Changbin.

Soon his one and only dongsaeng was gently pulled into the studio by Chan. He had told the others he found the boy eating alone and decided to bring to the studio to make friends. They all got very attached to the young boy who soon became a member of their ever-growing group of friends.

The fourth addition was not a happy one for Jisung. Every time that studio door opened, Jisung was prepared to make another friend knowing there was a 50/50 chance of Chan bringing another stray into their group. Chan had been talking about a dancer he had seen in one of the practice rooms for a while now so Jisung wasn’t surprised when Chan entered the room followed by a tall, slim boy.

“Guys, this is Hyunjin,” Chan said, “Hyunjin-ah these are your hyungs, Woojin and Changbin. Those two are Seungmin and Jisung, they are the same age as you, and Jeongin is your dongsaeng.”  
“It’s nice to meet you all, please take care of me,” Hyunjin said before bowing.  
The rest of them rushed over to talk to the new boy, leaving Jisung sitting on the couch scowling. Of all the people Chan could have brought into the studio, why did it have to be Hwang Hyunjin? He couldn’t stand the smirking asshole. They had become trainees at the same time and even shared a dorm for a while, so everyone thought they would become good friends, Jisung included. But the two of them couldn’t agree on anything, they would be constantly at each other's throats. They drove their roommates crazy until one of the staff members split them up into different dorms and Jisung hadn’t seen him since.  
Jisung prayed that night, hoping that Hyunjin would get bored of his friends or even just leave the company, no such luck. Hyunjin was made a part of the group and Jisung felt his blood boil every time Hyunjin smirked at him.

The next person Chan brought in, everyone knew. He had only joined JYP a month ago and had become famous among the other trainees. His name was Lee Minho and he had been a backup dancer for BTS. Chan had told the others he met Minho and thought he was a cool guy, and that he might bring him by the studio sometime.  
Jisung knew, hell everyone knew Chan was desperate to debut. It was a hot topic among JYP trainees, and even some groups that had already debuted, that Bang Chan was building a group to debut with. For that to happen Jisung knew Chan needed more dancers, but Jisung just hoped this Minho guy wasn’t as bad as Hyunjin.  
After a week of mini anxiety attacks every time Chan entered the studio, Chan finally brought Minho with him.

Jisung didn’t remember what Minho said when he was introduced to the group or what the rest said to him. All he could hear was static and felt those butterflies in his stomach as he clenched his fists hard enough for his nails to pierce his skin and let the pain ground him.

Looking at the beautiful dancer in front of him laughing with Hyunjin, he felt his heart skip a beat and knew he was in trouble.  
The last member of their group came quite unexpectedly when Chan burst through the door dragging a smaller boy with him. Chan excitedly introduced Felix, a dancer, to them and switched to English to introduce them to Felix. When Jisung heard that deep voice speak in a thick Australian accent, he knew they had found the last member to the group.  
A lot happened after that, Chan spoke to JYP about debuting as a group and JYP had given them a survival show.

Losing Felix and Minho during the show hit them all hard. Jisung cried every night for a week and felt torn; he missed Minho and didn’t want to debut without him. He remembered how it felt to hold hands with the dancer as he rapped, but the pure relief he felt when Minho was kicked out, he could finally breathe again, he would no longer have those butterflies when he was around the older boy and he knew if Minho debuted with them, he would always have those feelings and there would always be a chance of people finding out. Jisung hated himself when he thought of those things.

In the end, they debuted as nine and Jisung, at that moment, felt relief and only a tiny bit of anxiety for the future as he hugged Minho on stage.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a Kudos and a comment.


End file.
